The Memories
by Blue Dragon
Summary: A few years after the war. Jake looks back and blames everything on himself, and Cassie has a secret that doesn't want to be revealed...


The Memories  
  
  
Cassie opened the window to let the peregrine falcon fly in. He landed elegantly on the back of a chair and fixed her with his fierce gaze.  
  
"You're late," she remarked.  
  
There was a catastrophe at work, Jake said. Someone had invited the Yeerks to play. Again. We had to take care of it.  
  
Cassie , used to the minor catastrophes with the Yeerks trying to return to Earth, sighed. Her eyes were automatically drawn to a picture on the wall.  
  
Jake saw where she looked. As he started to demorph, his face was filled with the same pain and sorrow that now had filled it for several years.  
  
"It wasn't your fault," Cassie said, without thinking about it, pressing her fingers against his cheek.  
  
Jake didn't seem to notice her. He walked up to the picture, took it down, and sat down in the sofa, the picture resting in his lap.  
  
"Jake," Cassie whispered. "You can't change the past. You can't undo anything by blaming yourself."  
  
Jake slammed both fists down on the sofa.  
  
"She should have been alive," he growled. His eyes looked at a beautiful blonde girl in the front of the picture. A girl with a hawk perched on her shoulder, a face filled with confidence and eyes hiding millions of battles.  
  
"She has a name," Cassie reminded him. She knew very well how Jake didn't like saying the girl's name. Cassie stuck one hand in under the sofa and pulled out a book. A thin, black book.  
  
Jake flinched at the sight of it. He looked back at the picture, doing his best to ignore the book and the information he knew it contained.  
  
Cassie noticed he was trembling.  
  
The picture could have been an ordinary class photo. Teenage kids stood on four crowded lines, some smiling, some looking serious, but all facing the camera. In the front sat four persons who somehow differed from the rest. They were around 19 or 20 years old, and in the center among them sat a younger Jake.   
  
A Jake which didn't yet have the pain streaked across his face.  
  
Except for the red-tailed hawk on the blond girl's shoulder, the Andalite, and a few more out-of-place animals, the photo didn't look like anything special.  
  
"Get over it, Jake," Cassie begged, her eyes searching the picture for a face. A face she hated. A face to blame.  
  
Jake found it for her. His finger flew down towards a red-haired, freckled girl up in one corner.  
  
"Emma," he growled. His fists clenched again. His jaw strained.  
  
"Emma," Cassie agreed. She knew the picture portrayed Emma as a sweet, slightly stupid girl with a silly smile, but the new host of Visser One was neither sweet or stupid.  
  
Jake whimpered like a wounded animal. "I should've known," he wailed, suddenly burying his face in his hands. "I should have seen it coming. I should have stopped her. Should have realized…"  
  
Cassie sat down next to her husband, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
"I couldn't see through Emma," she said. "And if I couldn't… quit blaming yourself."  
  
"It's my fault," Jake wailed. "My fault she's dead." He wasn't talking about Emma anymore.  
  
"She has a name," Cassie said. "Say her name, Jake. She's your cousin."  
  
Cassie removed the picture and shoved the book onto his lap, opening it to the first page.  
  
Jake stared at it in horror. Every word symbolized a failure. Every word symbolized something he had done wrong.  
  
"Read," Cassie ordered.  
  
Jake complied in a weak voice. "Max, age 16, dead by a Hork-Bajir blade."  
  
Cassie turned the page.  
  
"Marion… age 18… dead at the feet of Taxxons."  
  
Cassie turned the page. Jake read the names in a weaker and weaker voice, soon with tears rolling down his cheeks. Names of the Aniwarriors. Names of the small resistance group, led by the battle-worn Animorphs. Names of people he had fought next to. Names of people who had died, only meters from him. Names of people he had failed to save.  
  
Failed.  
  
"Phillippa, age 12… the youngest member… dead a hero… saving thirteen others from sure infestation."   
  
He knew the book by heart. He knew what waited.  
  
Jake drew his breath as the page was turned. His voice failed him. But Cassie read it for him.  
  
"Rachel," she said. "Age 21. Wounded at Visser One's tail blade, after delivering a fatal blow, dead at a traitor's hand."  
  
"She died in vain," Jake whimpered. "Visser One still lives. He lives in Emma. She… she shouldn't have died in vain."  
  
"That's why Marco is on the Visser's tail like a madman," Cassie said. "He intends to take them both down. Painfully."  
  
Jake nodded. He turned the page, and read; "Emma. Age 20. TRAITOR."  
  
He turned again. "Lisa, age 19. Killed by Emma - her own sister - and Visser One."  
  
Jake closed the book, determined not to read any further. The casualties had gone high among the Aniwarriors. He knew every name, age, face, every cause of death. He blamed them all on himself. He had been their leader; he should have known. He should have been able to save them. All of them.  
  
Cassie hid the book under the sofa. "Tobias," she recited from memory. "Age 21. Missing."  
  
Tobias had flown away after Rachel was killed. He had disappeared. No-one had found him again, despite all the remaining Aniwarriors searching day and night for more then a week. More than a month.  
  
"He's probably dead as well," Jake said bitterly. "He probably flew into a tree or something. You remember how messed up he was when he disappeared?" Then he added: "And I let him fly. I watched him fly away, and did nothing. I thought he just needed time… I thought… I…"  
  
"You did what you thought was right," Cassie said. "You've always done your best, Jake. They couldn't have asked for more. Not one of them."  
  
"Rachel shouldn't have been dead," Jake said. "When she slammed that paw at Visser One, he struck her head with her tail-blade. I sent Emma up."  
  
"She was a medic," Cassie said.  
  
"She was a traitor," Jake growled. "I sent her up to help Rachel. I should have gone myself. But… my priority was the Hork-Bajir. Someone had to keep them of, right?"  
  
"You did what you thought was right," Cassie said. She put the picture back on the wall. She had heard the story a million times. Her own regret was that she hadn't been on that mission. If she had been there, Jake would have sent her, not Emma. She'd have helped Rachel, if anything could have been done. She'd have made Rachel demorph.  
  
But of course, Jake blamed himself for not bringing her on that mission. So she never mentioned it.  
  
"Emma ran up to Rachel and the Visser… And before anyone could stop her, she pressed her ear against Visser One's ear." Jake flinched at the memory. "I… I noticed when Lisa cried out. I tried to help. Lisa was there, she snatched her sister away. The Yeerk was halfway out. Lisa grabbed it in her hand, but Emma …cut her sister's throat… with the knife I had given her. She put the Yeerk in her pocket. I… I was running up. Marco was roaring, running as well."  
  
"You tried," Cassie said simply. "You couldn't have done anything."  
  
"But Emma laughed at us. We'd be too late. She called the Hork-Bajir, telling them she had the Visser. And she… stabbed Rachel. In the neck. She always was jealous of Rachel. But I never thought she'd… she'd… it doesn't matter. She finished the Visser's work. And she finished off Alloran."  
  
"And she put the Yeerk to her ear," Cassie finished.  
  
Jake nodded. "After that, the Hork-Bajir were too many. We couldn't… we tried… we really, really tried…" he drew a breath. "Marco is obsessed with revenge. On Emma, for killing Lisa and Rachel. On Visser One, for everything in general. When… when Tobias heard, he broke down. Flew off."  
  
Cassie nodded, bent down, and kissed his cheek. "You should get some sleep," she said. She smiled. "War-Prince Ax is coming by tomorrow. A friendly visit. And there's a chance he might even convince Marco to take a pause from his hunting."  
  
"Marco never takes breaks from hunting Visser One," Jake said.  
  
"He might this time," Cassie said. "We can only hope."  
  
Jake nodded, stood up, and started towards the stairs. "Coming?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, of course," Cassie smiled. "I just need some fresh air. I'll be up in a moment."  
  
Jake accepted the response and walked up the stairs with heavy steps. Cassie opened the door and went outside, into the garden.  
  
He still blames himself, a voice said.  
  
Cassie didn't bother to look around. She didn't bother, because she knew the person the voice belonged to didn't want to be seen, and then the person wouldn't be seen. But she could feel a tingle in the back of her neck, and knew the owner of the voice was watching her.  
  
How do you stand it? the voice asked. Every day, almost. Whenever someone mentions the Yeerks, or the Animorphs, or the Aniwarriors.  
  
Cassie nodded silently.  
  
Maybe if he knew, you think. No. I can't, Cassie. I'm not going to let anyone know I'm here. You promised.  
  
Tears began rolling down her cheeks.  
  
You promised, the voice repeated. you promised you wouldn't tell him. What difference will it make? He'll still have eighteen other deaths to blame himself for. And he will.  
  
There was a short pause.  
  
That book, right? the voice said. You make him look in the book. Maybe it's a good strategy. He needs to face the past, not turn away from it. He needs to face it and accept it. I remember that book. I wrote most of the names myself. All the way up to Philippa. After that… well, I don't know. I didn't write any more. But… I… I… can guess… what the next name is.  
  
Still, Cassie said nothing.  
  
Emma. She's in there too, isn't she? Not for being dead, but for being… a traitor. I don't know how she passed the tests.  
  
Cassie smiled despite herself. The tests had been her idea; the people who wanted to be Aniwarriors, part of their team, had to pass the tests. Not many did.  
  
She passed them with ease, the voice recalled. She passed Jake's test. Marco's completely bravery-based test. Your test. My own test. Only Rachel protested. Rachel never liked Emma. If she knew who killed her in the end, Rachel would be furious.  
  
Cassie nodded. Rachel had always been against Emma. Emma had always been against Rachel. But all the Aniwarriors had had loads of respect for the original Animorphs. Emma had been smart enough not to go against Rachel  
  
I should have been there, the voice sighed. I should have… done something. But don't worry. I've done my share of grieving. I won't end up as Jake. I might not be ready to return yet, but I'm not a wreck any longer.  
  
Cassie sent a look back at the house. Then her eyes turned towards the mountains. The moon was shining like a silver disc right above the mountains.  
  
Don't worry about the colony, the voice said. I stopped by to check things out, and everything is in order.  
  
Cassie didn't do anything to acknowledge what he said. She didn't need to.  
  
It is rather typical, isn't it? the voice sighed. Here we are. Even after the war, the war rules our lives. You take care of warriors stuck in morph, and look after the Hork-Bajir colony. Jake and the remaining Aniwarriors keeps the slugs off Earth. Ax keeps them away from his own world, and fights them on the Hork-Bajir world. Marco keeps Emma and Visser One looking over their shoulder too much to cause too much trouble. And me? Well… I do nothing. I try to keep an eye on you all.  
  
Cassie kept her eyes aimed forwards, her hands along her sides.  
  
The voice sighed. But I'm just babbling on and on, Cassie. You've got guests coming tomorrow, I heard. You need your rest. I'll keep an eye on things out here, in case the Yeerks want to stop by.  
  
Cassie wasn't worried about them doing that. The atmosphere of Earth was a well guarded place these days, but it felt good to know someone was keeping an eye open. There had been attacks on hers and Jake's home. Their house had been burnt down by dracon at least two times, and rebuilt just as many times.  
  
Jake's waiting for you. Go back inside.  
  
Cassie turned. Not even then did she look around to find the speaker. She still knew she wouldn't be able to see him.  
  
"Yes, Tobias," she said. "I will."  
  
And she went back into the house.  
  
  
  
  
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Author's note: Okay, that was that. Please review! Any comments at all will be appreciated, even a simple "good" or "bad". That isn't too much to ask, is it? 


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